In eternity, however, there is no time, you see. Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.
- the inability of one's job to live up to one's self-image.
- a period of mental collapse occurring in one's twenties, often caused by an inability to function outside of school or structured environments coupled with the realization of one's essential aloneness in the world. Often marks induction into the ritual of pharmaceutical usage.
- using an object with intellectual or fashionable cachet to substitute for an object that is merely pricey :"Brian, you left your copy of Camus in your brother's BMW"
The Emperor's New Mall
- the popular notion that shopping malls exist on the insides only and have no exterior. The suspension of visual belief engendered by this notion allows shoppers to pretend that the large, cement blocks thrust into their environment do not, in fact, exist.
Bread and Circuits
- the electronic era tendency to view party politics as corny - no longer relevant or meaningful or useful to modern societal issues, and in many cases dangerous.
- financial paranoia instilled in offspring by depression-era parents.
- the tendency when looking at objects to guesstimate the amount of time they will take to eventually decompose :"Ski boots are the worst. Solid plastic. They'll be around till the sun goes supernova."
- When arriving in a foreign travel destination one had hoped was undiscovered, only to find many people just like oneself; the peeved refusal to talk to said people because they have ruined one's elitist travel fantasy.
Banality is the backbone of history.
If there's ever a problem, I film it and it's no longer a problem. It's a film.
When in doubt, choose to live.
Mad is a word used about people who've either got
no senses or several more than most other people.
I was having a wonderful time and the whole world
opened up before me because I had no dreams.
If sky were earth and ocean sky
green turtles would be kites to fly.
THE OFFICIAL SLACKER HANDBOOK
by Sarah Dunn
Inside you'll find:
Plus thoughtful essays on topics such as:
- 8 jobs you can do wearing your pajamas
- 12 books to tell people you've read
- 13 things parents will still pay for
- Mastering sleep
- A brief history of the goatee
- Alcoholism on a shoestring
For those of you not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen......and replaced by exact duplicates."
A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The colder the X -ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A Sound Like Someone Trying Not To Make a
A Sound Like Someone Trying Not To Make a Sound
Tom woke up, but Tim did not.
It was the middle of the night. "Did you hear that?" Tom asked his brother. But Tim was only two. Even when he was awake, he didn't talk much.
Tom woke up his father and asked him, "Did you hear that sound ?"
"What did it sound like ?" his father asked.
"It sounded like a monster with no arms and no legs, but it was trying to move," Tom said.
"How could it move with no arms and no legs ?" his father asked.
"It wriggles, " Tom said. "It slides on its fur."
"Oh, it has fur ?" his father asked.
"It pulls itself along with its teeth," Tom said.
"It has teeth, too !" his father exclaimed.
"I told you - it's a monster !" Tom said.
"But what exactly was the sound that woke you up ?" his father asked.
"It was a sound like in the closet, if one of Mommy's dresses came alive and tried to climb down off the hanger," Tom said.
"Let's go back to your room and listen for the sound," Tom's father said. And there was Tim, still asleep - he still hadn't heard the sound. It was a sound like someone pulling nails out of the floorboards under the bed. It was a sound like a dog trying to open a door. Its mouth was wet, so it couldn't get a good grip on the doorknob, but it wouln't stop trying - eventually the dog would get in, Tom thought. It was a sound like a ghost in the attic, droppping the peanuts it had stolen from the kitchen.
"There's the sound again !" Tom wispered to his father. "Did you hear that ?" This time, Tim woke up, too. It was a sound like something caught inside the headboard of the bed. It was eating its way out - it was gnawing through the wood.
It seemed to Tom that the sound was definately the sound of an armless, legless monster dragging its thick, wet fur. "It's a monster !" Tom cried.
"It's just a mouse, crawling between the walls," his father said.
Tim screamed. He didn't know what a 'mouse' was. It frightened him to think of something with wet, thick fur - and no arms and no legs - crawling between the walls. How did something like that get between the walls anyway ?
But Tom asked his father, "It's just a mouse ?"
His father thumped against the wall with his hand and they listened to the mouse scurrying away. "If it comes back again," he said to Tom and Tim, "just hit the wall."
"A mouse crawling between the walls !" said Tom.
"That's all it was !" He quickly fell asleep, and his father went back to bed and fell asleep, too, but Tim was awake the whole night long, because he didn't know what a mouse was and he wanted to be awake when the thing crawling between the walls came crawling back. Each time he thought he heard the mouse crawling between the walls, Tim hit the wall with his hand and the mouse scurried away - dragging its thick, wet fur and its no arms and no legs with it.
And that is the end of the story.
It is possible to obtain a close estimate of the outside temperature in Fahrenheit degrees by listening to the chirps of a Snowy Tree Cricket, Oecanthus niveus. The following formula, known as Dolbear's Law, is used for finding the temperature:
"T" is the
temperature and "n" is the number of chirps per minute. Count the number of chirps per minute, subtract 40, divide this number by four, and the addition of 50 will give you the temperature. There are other formulas for other species that have different songs. The formula for the Katydid, Cryptophyllus perspicalis, is:
She was just like our whole country - not quite young anymore, but not old either; a little breathless, very beautiful, maybe a little stupid, maybe a lot smarter than she seemed. And she was looking for something - I think she wanted to be good. Look at the men in her life - Joe Dimaggio, Arthur Miller , maybe the Kennedys. Look at how good they seem! Look at how desirable she was! That's what she was ; she was desirable. She was funny and sexy - and she was vulnerable, too. She was never quite happy, she was always a little overweight. She was just like our whole country, ... And those men, those famous, powerful men - did they really love her? Did they take care of her? If she was ever with the Kennedys, they couldn't have loved her - they were just using her, they were just being careless and treating themselves to a thrill. That's what powerful men do to this country - it's a beautiful, sexy, breathless country, and powerful men use it to treat themselves to a thrill! They say things to make themselves appear moral. That's what I thought Kennedy was : a moralist. But he was just giving us a snow job, he was just being a good seducer. I thought he was a saviour. I thought he wanted to use his power to do good. But people say and do anything just to get the power; then they'll use the power just to get a thrill. Marilyn Monroe was always looking for the best man - maybe she wanted the man with the most ability to do good. And she was seduced, over and over again - she got fooled, she was tricked, she got used, she was used up. Just like the country. The country wants a saviour. The country is a sucker for powerful men who look good. We think they're moralists and then they just use us. That's what's going to happen to you and me, we're going to be used.
15 Fun Things To Do In The Elevator
Make race car noises when people get on and off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."